There is nothing so cleansing as illness. When Inge was in
treatment for breast cancer eight years ago, she was free of worry in a way. She was focused on
getting better, and other concerns fell by the wayside by comparison. She said
she had never been more “happy.” I think she meant that she had never tapped into
true joy so deeply as she did during those months when all of life was whittled
down to pure bone. At the end of treatment, a subtle panic approached as she
recognized that she wouldn’t be DOing anything
to keep cancer at bay. She asked her doctor, What can I do to prevent this
returning? He answered: Be happy.
I have a student named Ben who took last year off after
fast-growing tumors were found in his chest. He had surgery to remove them,
then chemo and radiation. Then in the spring, good as new, he came in with vigor and excitement to review his plan to finish. But, and my heart breaks to type it, yesterday he and his dad came in to tell me there is another fast-growing tumor, and he will have surgery
Friday. They wanted to know how his plan will change if he takes this semester off? He will find out in the coming weeks if the tumor is benign or malignant. As
we discussed contingencies, and what it means to his program in preparation for
becoming a high school English teacher to take this term off, whether or not the lump is cancerous and requires treatment, I felt the weight of all life in my little
office. The father sat soberly with worry on his brow. The
son seemed nearly paralyzed, motionless, face stoic, as we went over a revised plan for spring, summer, fall, spring—every course
and requirement a warm, golden biscuit of privilege for the living. He was clearly numbed by it, yet alive
with the question: Will I be here for that?
How might I live—totally and intensely—without news that
I could be dying? As Kerouac says in his writing tips, be in love with your
life and accept loss forever. We are dying,
whether we are conscious of it or not, and whether it is next week or next year
or 50 years from now. Osho said, “Live
totally, live intensely, so that each moment becomes golden and your whole life
becomes a series of golden moments.” Our life does have a holy contour. O please, self, see it, feel its shape with your fingertips. Let your eyes adore it. Eat it with relish, this simple fare of what you are given.
i love you
ReplyDeleteAnd I love you. This is our bedrock connection, our joy, our solace, our continuous thread through alpenglow and avalanche. One love.
DeleteMy heart breaks for the father and son. I do hope he keeps to his plan for learning.
ReplyDeleteOur daughter's dearest friend was diagnosed with a brain tumor two days after she got engaged. She lives with such joy. I simply cannot fathom the enormity of pain if a loved one had such a heinous illness.
So very very hard to live in the moment when the monkey mind leaps about all the time.
People I know who are suffering great mental pain and loss seem to find comfort in yoga.
So we need to be reminded that today is all we have really.
Thank you, Elizabeth. There is no stopping Ben. Unless of course his illness is unstoppable.
DeleteO your daughter's friend. How does the heart (and yes the monkey mind) persevere? But it does! It does. Though it feels it will likely break. I do think that in a very strange and surprising way, those who are suffering illness directly often get to a point of acceptance and understanding that those who love them are often unable to do. But what an example they set, how much we have to learn from them!
First I read your post & find a challenge in it - I've been really really struggling lately to figure out what I'm meant to be DOING (surely facebook isn't all there is, is it?) & now you've goosed me into doing more than just think about it. I'm going to have some conversations with Mike - maybe we'll figure out a more meaningful path together.
ReplyDeleteTHEN I read about monkey mind - well that is exactly what's going on here (except I'm not sure mine actually wants to land anywhere).
The journey I will begin is nothing like Ben's journey, but I will keep him in my mind & heart as I go...
O Dana, a mixture of joys comes from you. Out of clear sight comes being, I think. Out of being comes the only kind of doing worth doing: and that is a surprise, so different for everyone! But whatever you do, live. Thank you.
DeleteOHhhh!
ReplyDeleteSuch pain feels unbearable and crushing. Yet, in pain we find our true nature, the reason to keep living.
rosaria, more pain than we can bear at times. You know. xoxo
DeleteSo many times we cling to process, to the clutter of living, and think it gives sustenance--perhaps it grants us activity, distraction, opportunities, but DOing in itself is not what it means to be alive, or who we are...as you point out, the world can narrow to a pinpoint, and if we live fully in it, there is radiance. Best wishes for your student and his family, Ruth.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Hedge. DOing in itself is not what it means to be alive ... Perhaps we DO out of fear of the quiet dark.
DeleteCan you imagine life without death? I can't. At all. We come. We go. I think it is hardest for the witnesses.
ReplyDeleteRubye, our whole culture resists death. It's not easy to live differently, as if this day were my last.
DeleteWe are at the hands of life. So what do we do? We LIVE!!
ReplyDeleteIs there any way he can do some of his classes online, if he has to do treatments?
My brother was in college when they discovered his tumor. He had to stop classes during his treatment but sadly he never went back.
Yes it does seem that illness does wonders to our minds and our souls.
Thank you, musicwithinyou.
DeleteYes there are a few courses Ben can do online, which he will probably do next summer. He knows from past treatment that he will not be up for any coursework this term. Taking one semester seems to be reasonable and does not upend his program too drastically.
It sounds like your brother survived his tumor; I am grateful!
:... }
ReplyDeletexoxo
DeleteI have experienced people, very close to me, suffer, fight, sometimes lose – “too early”, but I have always admired how they have handled the situation. I have also the experience of people getting very old, but spending years of boredom; kept “alive” until the absurd. I then ask myself what is “too early”? Of course there are clear cases of “too early”, but somehow I wonder also if there is not a “too late”? In the meantime, of course you are so right in your last sentences, however so easy to forget on a daily basis.
ReplyDeletePeter, your thoughts about "too late" are welcome! I do wonder sometimes if the very great and exciting breakthroughs in health care create different problems for our society as people age, with nothing constructive to do, or so we relegate them.
DeleteThe kind of moment-awareness brought by "tragedy" is an initiation and if that premise is accepted, people often find great strength and peace in acknowledging that we are ALL rushing headlong toward death and not so much "what are you going to do with your one precious life" but "how are you going to be"...
ReplyDeleteor so it's said - I've not personally experienced threatening illness, but I did lose someone "too early" and without warning and it made me realize that sometimes we don't get the benefit of the initiation...
Wendy, you said that very well, with the wisdom that comes from experience. I'm sorry that you lost a loved one too early, without warning and preparation. I did too (my brother), and I must remember to treasure each one while they are here.
DeleteWe are all dying, but I suppose not all of us are aware of that. I liked the gentle way you have reminded us here, it's never going to be easy for any of us to say goodbye, that's what always makes me so sad.......thanks X
ReplyDeleteLately I have discovered there is nothing more cleansing than being thankful, which begets happiness. Nelson would surely say the same...that with age comes more thoughts of our mortality being imminent. For those like your young student...and even Inge from 8 years ago...it's perhaps a Gift to cherish earlier than most? Mindfulness. YES.
ReplyDeleteTo remain mindful of life itself and its transience is so much more difficult than it sounds hard as I try...I have to remind myself daily to stop and be aware. I will keep your student and his father in mind.
ReplyDeleteTonight I have found message after message that my heart needed to hear. Peace and hope to the young man. I know too many in emotional turmoil right now
ReplyDelete