Friday, March 28, 2014

"How shall I hold my soul that it may not be touching yours?"



I poke through an assortment of stuffed animals left after our grown children moved out. Among various bears, here is our son’s rhinoceros, two circles on its face like vertical eyes where velvet horns are now tattered nubs of cotton stuffing. Such abnormalities are birthmarks, in a way, marks of the emergence into adulthood after the long human development of a child. How necessary it was, all that wear and tear, the regular nightly embraces that softened and thinned the horns of a toy rhinoceros whose counterparts in Africa lie wasted from human greed.

There are stories of terror. And there are others of human magnificence. Our small granddaughter, three days old, lies sedated in an incubator, her face, chest, arms and legs relaxed open in surrender. She has been saved by magnificent humans, her own strength, the warm touch of her parents and grandparents, and the grace of God.

I wrap up "Rhiney" for my now 31-year-old son to hold while he cannot hold his first child. I wonder at this inanimate thing, the color of stone, able to vibrate with life and healing though it cannot heal itself, or feel me holding it. We shoot meaning into what we touch and attend to. What essence are we connecting with in these things, which are also somehow vibration, linking with our own pulsing souls?

And how much more then, between living beings?


“How shall I hold my soul that it may not
Be touching yours? How shall I lift it then
Above you to where other things are waiting?
Ah, gladly would I lodge it, all forgot,
With some lost thing the dark is isolating
On some remote and silent spot that, when
Your depths vibrate, is not itself vibrating.
You and me – all that lights upon us though,
Brings us together like a fiddle bow
Drawing one voice from two strings, it glides along.
Across what instrument have we been spanned?
And what violinist holds us in his hand?
O sweetest song.” 

— Rainer Maria Rilke

Our granddaughter, Olive Rose, was born Monday night with a congenital abnormality called Tracheoesophageal Fistula, which means that her trachea and esophagus were connected in bad ways, and her esophagus did not connect with her stomach. She would not have survived if surgeons at the Children's Hospital had not operated Wednesday to reconstruct the trachea and esophagus for normal functioning, after a day of tests Tuesday. Gratefully, Olive does not seem to have the other abnormalities that can come with this one (and do for half the babies that do), and she underwent five hours of thoracoscopic surgery with four little incisions. She will stay in children's hospital 30 days to recover.

25 comments:

  1. So, so moving. Love and prayers to you, your granddaughter and her parents.

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    1. Robert, I receive your love and prayers very gratefully and pass them on to the little family.

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  2. Beautifully written, Ruth. I will keep you and your family and your granddaughter especially in my prayers and thoughts. May peace accompany be with you over these next days.

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    1. Maureen, your thoughts and prayers mean everything to me. Know that already there is more peace.

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  3. How perfectly and movingly you write about this. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family and especially little Olive...

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    1. The Broad, great blessings these days have flowed from friends, family and strangers. Receiving prayers and thoughts from my blog friends is a bounty I can't fathom, but it is beautiful. Thank you.

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  4. Oh Ruth, what touching words, filled with such love and introspection. I am in awe of the men and women who can can delicately operate to repair something so wee as a newborn. My prayers will be with you, Peter and his wife and of course with Olive Rose for a strong recovery and a life of joy. Sending hugs.

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    1. Jeanie, my heart swells with this love and prayerful response. I, too, am in awe of the men and women who make up Ollie's team. As we stood in her NICU room, watching them prep her for surgery on Wednesday, Don pointed out the door and down the hall where a dozen people, including her attending surgeon and assisting surgeon, were standing in a group, waiting to take her and save her life. It was overwhelmingly comforting and moving.

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  5. A beautiful post, Ruth, one that recognizes how all things and all people are constantly exchanging life-giving energy — vibrations, if you will — in this ongoing dance of life and death. How reassuring that these fear-ridden, challenging moments bring forth the very best in humanity. I'm quite sure that little Olive, in her own way, is feeling the warmth, the touches, and the love of those who are there for her every moment. Needless to say, she shall remain in the hearts and prayers of many, including your friends here in the blogging world. Peace and best wishes to you all.

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    1. George, what you say is so true. These few days, which have been wrought with extreme fear have also been filled with extreme gratitude and encouragement. The blessings of other people's stories, the connections I've felt with those who have suffered through similar procedures and fears for wee babies struggling to survive, has been one of the surprises of the week. And your careful and prayerful encouragement means the world to me. Thank you.

      Yesterday, Andrea posted a very encouraging update at a little blog I started for them to document these days. She already looks so much better, with the breathing tube out of her mouth. If you're interested in reading about it, the blog is Ollie-lujah.

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  6. How shall I hold my soul that it may not
    Be touching yours?


    it is impossible))))

    (i swear, rilke was an angel or had an angel speaking into his ear.)

    the deepest love and healing prayers. (and you would understand the complex way in which these will and must come.)

    xo
    erin

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    1. Erin, I found these Rilke lines (read before, but forgotten) only after I wrote the post. Imagine!

      My heart is bursting with your deep love and healing prayers. It occurs to me that one of the complexities of love and prayer is that they multiply through the hearts of others, no less than loaves and fishes. These are abundant and rich food for our spirits. How can these not connect and vibrate through Ollie's very flesh and into her own spirit and soul?

      Thank you.

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  7. Tears flood my eyes once again, Ruth. My soul sobs with bittersweet grief and joy, all in one flood that ebbs and flows. She will ever and always be our Ollie-lujah song! (I cannot tell you how much your word heals me!)

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    1. Boots, your physical distance is belied by your spiritual presence in my heart, and surrounding Ollie and her parents, since even before she was born. The deepness of your love and concern have carried me and been my constant companion. I love you.

      I'm grateful that these words help you. xoxo

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  8. My dear Ruth,
    My heart goes out to you and your family and dear little Olive. Sending love and strength to you all and to the splendid medical team.How hard it is to see the little ones suffer. What a bittersweet time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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    1. Dear, dear Elizabeth, your gifts are lovingly received and treasured. Please know how you comfort us, and also that we are moving into a place of joy and encouragement. There are challenges ahead, but the good things are overwhelmingly wonderful.

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  9. I've been traveling and just read this, Ruth. I'm so sorry this s what you and your family is facing. Sounds like Olive Rose is well cared for and you are caring for her Dad. It must be hard to see such a wee one struggling. Blessings on her and her family. Love and hugs to you.

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    1. Mary, thank you for your blessings and comforting love and hugs. Yesterday was a day of giddiness as we witnessed Olive make strides: breathing tube out, catheter out, mommy's colostrum through a feeding tube, and her parents were even able to hold her, several days before it was anticipated. The strength of this girl!

      Thank you.

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  10. Oh my gosh, Ruth. My prayers go out to little Olive and her family ---- sending healing wishes for her full recovery. The miracle of modern medicine is just that. A miracle.

    How wonderful that you were able to locate that sleep toy of your son's, still lovingly stored away, and how meaningful for him to have it, now. The idea that the worn away parts are evidence of a child's transition to adulthood is very powerful. We do shoot meaning into what we touch and attend to.

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    1. Thank you, Amanda. Your healing wishes are having effect, as Olive is making steady progress! A test yesterday showed her new esophagus is leak-free and functioning properly, which meant her mama could feed her some of her breast milk through a bottle. These are precious milestones.

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    2. I am so thrilled to hear this news, Ruth. Precious milestones indeed - what a miraculous blessing that Olive will have a lifetime of them to look forward to.

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  11. Ruth -

    I have been thinking about everyone ever since reading/hearing about what was happening with Olive. I'm so glad to hear that progress is being made and I've been praying for all of the happy, healthy milestones to come. With Stella's birthday last month, I had many moments of thinking back on the experience of welcoming her into the world and the wild, blissful, exhausting whirl of days that happen afterward. I've felt so sad for Pete and Andrea, but Olive Rose is clearly a fighter and everyone is so lucky to have such a strong family support system. I'm looking forward to more photos and good news to come as she recovers and finally gets to come home to her sweet nursery and older brother Fargo!

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    1. Stefanie, as you know, the news has been thrilling every day since surgery, every morning like Christmas, as Andrea said. Apparently today is the day they go home, two weeks earlier than anticipated. It is just so wonderful, and we are filled with gratitude! And it turns out Peter didn't really need to hold his Rhiney, because they were able to hold Olive by Saturday that first week.

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  12. Ruth, I just read your heartfelt post and all the comments. We went to Tennessee for my birthday (3/26) and just came back. First congratulations on the birth of your new little granddaughter Olive Rose – I know how pleased y’all must be, but at the same time I understand your anxiety. Our little granddaughter, who was born last year, was born with an abnormality in her heart – she had 2 holes in it. Well, one year later, the holes have totally disappeared. Little ones can heal so quickly – and it will be the same for your little granddaughter I feel sure. She had the best of care and will grow up very healthy. You know I do not pray but I shall send her all my best healing thoughts and surround her with them. Hugs, VB.

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    1. Vagababonde, thank you very much. I remember your granddaughter's heart. Do you know I found out that we all have holes in our heart? Most of the time it isn't a problem. How amazing that hers have healed, and that our Olive has been given a life because of surgeons and her pipes are functioning well. We are excited to move on with her life, to welcome her home. xo

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All responses are welcome.